You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
and she was petting her beer can
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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