More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
