Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
