Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
