the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
