I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
