New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
