Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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