I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Is it because I queefed?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
