I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
