hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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