I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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