the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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