Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
