Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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