Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
