Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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