Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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