Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Randomize
