Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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