Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
