I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
