thus making me awesome and them whores
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Randomize
