Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize