I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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