His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
