thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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