Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
