My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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