Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Farmville is her only friend.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize