Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
