I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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