I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
