I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
