I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
