I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
