someone threw a dead crab at me
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
