I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
