Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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