I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
