If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
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