I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
