He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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