I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
