apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
