you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
