The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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