I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
