just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
