My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize