guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
