Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
