You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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