btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
