I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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