Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
